Thanksgiving Turkey Protection Plan Insures Your Bird From Culinary Disaster, Sounds Like a Bunch of Bologna

Turkeys are a tricky bird to cook. How they got to be the go-to main course at Thanksgiving, we’ll never know. For many people isolated at home and away from their families this year because of the COVID-19 pandemic, it will be the first time they attempt the terrifying feat of cooking a turkey.

If you’re a turkey virgin concerned about how your bird is going to turn out, you’re not alone. And there’s an insurance plan for that.

Say what? Insurance for a Thanksgiving turkey? Yup. In a country where we can’t even figure out how to get every American health insurance, there’s a plan to protect your Thanksgiving feast. (Of course there is.)

Whole Foods and Progressive are joining forces to offer Americans a “Thanksgiving Turkey Protection Plan.” The coverage is available to people who buy a Whole Foods Market brand turkey in-store or online before Nov. 22. If a culinary disaster strikes on Nov. 26 or 27, just head over to TurkeyProtectionPlan.com, submit a photo and description of your turkey tragedy plus your receipt. Whole Foods will review your claim and send you a $35 gift card if they think your holiday fail warrants it.

If you are one of the unfortunate folks who fuck-up Thanksgiving dinner, you better act fast, though, because only 1,000 people are eligible for the program (and you know there’s going to be a lot more than 1,000 turkey mishaps on Thanksgiving).

“The Thanksgiving Turkey Protection Plan allows customers the freedom of culinary exploration, knowing all is not lost should their cooking go astray,” Theo Weening, vice president of meat and poultry at Whole Foods Market said in a statement. “We want to help customers rise to the occasion and take on that turkey with confidence for less-stressed Thanksgiving meal preparation.”

While this is an attention-getting marketing ploy, if you’re so concerned about your cooking skills that you need to insure your bird, maybe consider buying one already prepared instead? Otherwise, you’ll be the turkey come Thanksgiving time.

Cover Photo: Beau Lark/Corbis/VCG (Getty Images)

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