Kellyanne Conway’s Mother of the Year Guide to Quarantining With Your Kids Who Want to Emancipate
Kellyanne Conway has a fascinating family. And by “fascinating,” we mean fucked-up. It’s hard not to rubberneck at the wreckage of her personal life. There’s Kellyanne herself, the scary and skeletal former senior counselor to President Trump who can spin the most vicious of lies with a sickly-sweet smile on her face. Then there’s her husband, George Conway, who founded The Lincoln Project, a conservative anti-Trump PAC. Finally, there are their four children, most notably Claudia Conway, their feisty and outspoken 15-year-old TikTok influencer. She went viral on Twitter in August when she announced she was seeking emancipation from her parents.
i’m officially pushing for emancipation. buckle up because this is probably going to be public one way or another, unfortunately. welcome to my life
— CLAUDIA CONWAY (@claudiamconwayy) August 23, 2020
Both Kellyanne and George Conway quit their jobs in the wake of that announcement. (Intensive family therapy, anyone?) Just last week, Kellyanne announced she’s tested positive for coronavirus, meaning everyone in her clan is likely quarantining together. Yikes.
Who knows what happens next. All we’re sure of is that dinner conversation must be interesting in that household! In honor of this shitshow of a family, we’ve devised the Kellyanne Conway’s Mother of the Year Guide to Quarantining With Your Kids Who Want to Emancipate.
Cover Photo: Anadolu Agency / Contributor (Getty Images)
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Quit your job.
Dealing with your family is a full-time job. It's amazing you've stayed employed this long.
Put sedatives in your kids' pancakes.
It's not poisoning if they live.
Take away their phones.
No information in, no information out.
Change your identity.
Your children hate you. The only way they might hate you a little bit less is if you completely overhaul your personality.
Use this expression every time your children ask for something.
It will terrify them into never asking you for anything ever again.
Give your children the runaround when they ask you hard questions.
All that media training shouldn't go to waste.
If your children won't listen to reason, let them know they're cruisin' for a bruisin'. Or a stab wound. Whatever.
Disappear your kids if they become too troublesome.
What do you mean this isn't House of Cards?
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