How to Hilariously Defeat Your Loud-Ass Neighbors
When it comes to living spaces, people tend to get a little edgy about their boundaries. They build fences, install blackout curtains, and perform a variety of other tricks to go undetected by their annoying neighbors. Sometimes this works, and both households are free to live in perfect harmony. Oftentimes, however, drastic measures must be taken. This is especially true in apartment living. With no fences, yards, or alleyways to put a sanity-saving amount of space between you, it’s very easy for neighbors to get on each other’s nerves. Maybe they blast music too loud, walk up the steps like they have lead boots on, or have an annoying little dog that refuses to stop yapping no matter the hour. If any of this sounds familiar, here are a few ways to hilariously defeat your loud ass-neighbors.
Cover Photo: MASSIVE (Getty Images)
Like a good neighbor: 10 Simple and Effective Ways To Piss Off Your Neighbors Before Dawn
Problem: The neighbors blast their music too loud.
Solution: Throw a dance party in the hallway or outside their window.
You refuse to listen to "Old Town Road" one more time. The easiest way to subdue a neighbor is to go to where they are. Invade their space. The best way to do this is to throw a dance party. Invite friends, bring chips, and make an evening of it. If your neighbor’s music is loud, dance to it! Bonus points if you slip requests under the door. And hey, if all else fails, maybe the loud neighbor will join you and you’ll make a friend.
Problem: The neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking.
Solution: Buy a parrot.
We’ve all run into this situation before. Mr. Barkles is a perfect angel when the master is home, but as soon as they step out of the apartment, Mr. Barkles becomes a nightmare. He is constantly barking, yelping, whining and generally acting a fool. Usually this occurs while you are trying to sleep. So, in lieu of John Wicking the adorable creature, we recommend an alternative option. Buy a parrot! A loud, smart parrot. If your neighbor wants to play with animals, adopt an exotic bird and exact exotic revenge. Not only will it squaw, it’ll also repeat phrases. Bonus points if you teach it to call your neighbor a douchebag.
Problem: The neighbor and their spouse argue loudly...and then make up even more loudly.
Solution: Record them.
The names the neighbors call each other in the midst of an argument are atrocious. The names they call each other in the throes of passion, however, are unrepeatable. Naturally, the only solution to this scenario is to secretly record both the argument and the resolution, find their family members on Facebook, and send the recordings to them. Now, we’re not sure if this is exactly legal, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Problem: The goddamn kids.
Solution: Seduce the parents.
Kids are the worst. Their sounds of joy and love are like nails on a chalkboard at 6 a.m. and it’s up to you to stop them. So the best thing you can do is seduce one of their parents, marry them, and become their stepparent. Then, tell them Santa Claus isn’t real and send them to boarding school. It’s that simple.
Proble: Those stupid house parties.
Solution: Infiltrate the party.
Why are people in their 30s even having house parties? What makes it worse is that you weren’t even invited (probably because you tried to seduce one of them). Anyway, the only solution is to infiltrate the party, plant something illicit, and then disappear like a phantom before calling the police. You didn’t want to have to do this, but they left you with no choice. Sure, they might get 10 to 25 years in Shawshank, but that’s what they get for being loud and waking you up at 11 a.m. on a Sunday.