10 Deadly Toilet Encounters

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There are more than 40,000 toilet-related injuries in the United States per year. Because this is a sincere epidemic that deserves our full attention, here are 10 deadly encounters of note which happened to take place on the crapper.

Venomous Redback Spider Bites Aussie’s Penis
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In April of this year, a 21-year-old tradesman named Jordan popped a squat on a portable toilet. As he was wiping, he felt a piercing arachnid bite strike his nether regions. You see, in the same way that fish are attracted to worms, redback spiders are notoriously attracted to human penises. According to spider expert Julian White, “going back 80 years or so when people were still using outhouse toilets it was extremely common, something like up to 80 percent of cases of spider bites were bites on the male genitalia.”

From the survivor himself: “I was sitting on the toilet and towards the end of me finishing I felt a really big sting. I seen the spider web going from one side to the other and just seen a redback crawling from the seat back down and instantly I knew.” But this tale would have a happy ending: “The moment I looked at [my penis] it was a little bigger.”

Note to self: Cup shaft and keep above seat.

Vacuum Toilet Sucks Out Senior Citizen’s Intestines
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In 1986, something happened to a 70-year-old Phoenix woman that we only thought existed in urban legends. She was on a Pegasus cruise ship that was docking near Vancouver when she pressed flush. The suction power, coupled with the spatial blockage of the woman’s obesity, inhaled her small intestine.

Dr. J. Brendan Wynn — who I’m sure just wanted a little peace and quiet on the cruise and not to repair an old lady’s butt pipe — was called, and he found her lying on her bunk “with several feet of small intestine trailing behind her.” Dr. Wynn said it “defied belief,” since to his knowledge it never happened before or since. But all’s well that ends well because the woman was sent home from the hospital within 10 days.

Python Bites Thai Man’s Member, Latches on for 30 Minutes
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Attaporn Boonmakchuay, winner of Thailand’s best name award, was a loser in the following instance. A 10-foot python had slithered through the plumbing in his home and bit what appeared to be a smaller snake. But it was no snake; it was Attaporn’s penis. With blood spraying the walls and floor, Attaporn tried to pry the massive serpent from his member for 30 minutes. With the help of his wife, he was able to do it, but he passed out from blood loss directly after. Rescue officer Danupol Tapo said, “I had witnessed snakes come out of toilets many times, and when they bit it mostly would be at legs or butts. Not the penis, this is the first time.”

Pythons are non-venomous, but their fangs can pierce through even the toughest mushroom heads. However, the 38-year-old victim is fine, and so is his penis.

Death Row Inmate Electrocutes Himself On Toilet
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Convicted killer Lawrence Baker was sitting on the porcelain one day in 1987 listening to music on his homemade headphones. While watching TV, one of the wires from his headphones dropped into the aluminum, water-filled toilet. It sent volts of electric death straight to his brain. The 47-year-old Pennsylvania inmate avoided the electric chair, but got the electric john instead.

Nazi Submarine Toilet Malfunctions, Forces Nazis to Surface and Get Attacked by Allies
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German navy submarine U-1206 was prowling the high seas of the Atlantic in search of British and American ships during World War II. Greenhorn Captain Karl Adolf Schlitt — not sure why so many Germans were named Adolf in this era, but the name for some reason has lost popularity — was taking a dump. The idiot then flushed the toilet wrong and opened a valve in the hull, causing the submarine to flood. The salt water, combined with the batteries of the motor, which was idiotically located right below the toilet, created deadly chlorine gas which swept through the sub. The 50-man crew had no choice but to ascend to the surface.

As they were only eight miles off the coast of Scotland, they were immediately attacked by Allied aircraft. One German crew member was shot and killed, three were drowned, and 10 were captured. The rest were saved by other German boats in the area. Coincidentally, this happened on April 14, 1945, less than a month before the war was over.

Kansas Woman Stuck on Toilet for Two Years
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Her skin had grown around the toilet. Pam Babcock of Ness County had a strange love affair with one particular loo. For two full years she perched on it inside her boyfriend’s home. Police, the media, the toilet — all confused, even to this day.

In 2008, Kory McFarren called the cops and told them something was wrong with his girlfriend. It took him two years to make this phone call. Sheriff Bryan Whipple described the scene: “She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body.” Babcock’s legs atrophied, as well. They used a crowbar to remove the toilet, leaving the seat attached to her bum, and took her to a Wichita hospital. In the end, McFarren was sentenced to six months probation for mistreatment. Six months later, he won $20,000 in the state lottery, the second time he won that year. Which is f–king bizarre, too, right?

African Boy Drowns in Dung Pit
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It’s like that scene in “Slumdog Millionaire,” except infinitely sadder. In 2014, a Limpopo boy went to the latrine during recess. He never returned to class. A few hours later they found the six-year-old dead in a pit toilet. He had fallen in and drowned. There are no jokes to be made about this story.

King Edmund Ironside Assassinated Through the Butt
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Historical accounts quibble, but they all indicate King Edmund died “attending to the calls of nature.” In 21st century Americana-speak, that means he died taking a shit.

Here’s how it went down: In 1016, Cnut of Denmark wanted to extend his empire to the British Isles. He needed to destabilize the region by assassinating King Edmund. So he sent one of his Vikings to infiltrate the king’s chamber and hide in his latrine. When the king sat down to “attend to calls of nature,” the Viking thrust his longsword straight into his anus, severing his innards. King Edmund Ironside is just one of many English kings to suffer the unfortunate fate of dying on the toilet.

Yet Another Snake Bite
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Imagine, there you are inches from the bog taking a leak. Everything is right in the world. You hum Katy Perry and think about waterfalls. Then, a snake pops its scaly head out of the yellow waters and strikes your pecker. In July of 2013, that’s what happened to a 30-year-old Israeli man in the village of Nofit. He ran from the bathroom in horror and rushed to the hospital, where they found no venom. He left with just bite marks on his penis and probably a new outlook on life.

The Most Infamous Toilet Death of All
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On August 16, 1977, Elvis Presley was found on the floor of his Graceland mansion in a pool of his own vomit. He was feet away from the toilet. All accounts suggest he suffered a fatal cardiac arrhythmia. After an autopsy, they found 10 times the prescribed dose of codeine in his system, along with a cocktail of other drugs, including morphine, valium and quaaludes. The King died like a king — high atop the porcelain throne in his castle.