Spoiled Brains of Rudy Giuliani Appear to Melt the More Lies He Tells, Leaving His Ears During Tall-Tale Press Conference

Honestly, we can’t get enough of this guy and his exploits are going to be the biggest things we miss once Donald Trump is no longer dictator president of this country. Rudy Giuliani has become a parody and it would be funny if it wasn’t so sad. Actually, strike that. It’s still funny. Dude is an idiot.

He continues to prove himself as such each and every time he appears in public as well. There was the whole Borat thing, the wiping coronavirus virus on a lady thing, the unironic Four Seasons press conference and, now, it appears as if the former Mayor of New York City is melting. Like, Wicked Witch of the West style. Or, if not his entire person, his brain is certainly melting. But we’ve known that for years. This time, however, we have actual visual evidence.

Giuliani recently appeared at a press conference (he’s got to stop doing those) to discuss President Trump’s unsubstantiated claims that the 2020 election was rigged. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t. But it’s still fun to watch his parasitic troglodytes attempt to back him up. Since no actual lawyers were willing to put their law degree on the line, Trump had to resort to the Igor behind his mad scientist (that would be Rudy). Now, it’s been reported that Giuliani is paid $20,000 a day for his services. So keep in mind that Donald Trump paid this man $20,000 to, in no particular order:

Allege that there is evidence of mass voter fraud, presumably orchestrated by the Biden administration. This, despite the fact that Giuliani, or anybody else making these allegations, can actually provide the evidence. Speaking from the Republican National Committee Headquarters (sadly, not from the parking lot of a Hooters, which is what we were hoping for), Giuliani stated that, “This pattern repeats itself in a number of states, almost exactly the same pattern, which any experienced investigator prosecutor, which suggests that there was a plan—from a centralized place to execute these various acts of voter fraud, specifically focused on big cities, and specifically focused on, as you would imagine, big cities controlled by Democrats, and particularly if they focused on big cities that have a long history of corruption.”

He continued, saying “I know crimes, I can smell them. You don’t have to smell this one, I can prove it to you, 18 different ways. I can prove to you that he won, Pennsylvania, by 300,000 votes. I can prove to you that he won Michigan, probably 50,000 votes.”

Except, he didn’t prove it. He didn’t prove anything, except for the fact that he has shitty taste in movies. Because his next move was to re-enact a scene from a Ralph Macchio movie, but not the one you’re thinking of. Unfortunately, Giuliani did not crane kick Sidney Powell (who, for the record, really really deserves a good crane kick). Instead, he asked the press if they had seen My Cousin Vinny. He said he liked this movie because the lawyer was from Brooklyn. Then he made some weird comparison between the movie and the election. We’re still trying to unpack that. But then!

What was presumably his hair dye started to drip down his sweaty, stupid face. But we really do think it was his brains lichrilly escaping from his dumb head.

There was more. There was so much more. But that would take a whole new article and, quite frankly, we’re getting tired of writing about the ineptitude of this cabinet. The jokes are literally starting to write themselves.

Cover Photo: Sarah Silbiger, The Washington Post

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