Creepy Guy Asks City Council To Make Genital Massages Legal

This is not a brothel. Photo: © Jon Cartwright (Getty)

Meet Chris, from Kansas. He’s a concerned citizen who sees a need for improvement within the city of Lawrence, a town identified by its people as diverse and multifaceted with a strong sense of community.

Chris sees the town is lacking in something important and will make it thrive as a beacon of quality lifestyle. That’s right, Lawrence needs hand jobs to be legalized and he wrote what he surely feels is a quality speech to convince the city council of his vision — let people get jerked off.

Glorious. What better way to make your plea for legalizing prostitution than comparing it to proctology and the practice of checking one’s prostate? Both are equally important and, dammit, they make America great (according to Chris).

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“If a grown adult wants a hand job, and another grown adult is willing to give one for money, then let them. That’s both freedom and capitalism, and that’s the foundation of our country,” he so eloquently explained.

But let’s not ignore how Chris talks about how giving a massage to “a big, old sweaty fat guy” is acceptable, so jerking him off can’t be that much worse. They’re basically the same thing, right?

Kudos to the city council members for sitting through this with straight faces, and then discussing whether to move on without ever breaking out into laughter. Hopefully, what came of this was a happy ending.