If You Pretend You Don’t Like These Things, You’re A Total Asshole
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Let’s start with a band so universally adored, it will weed out the true a-holes tout de suite. Anyone who doesn’t abide by The Dude is already a complete turd, but if you actually want to sit there and act like you can’t stand CCR, the band you’ve never heard anyone say something negative about other than, “Hey, why isn’t this song playing louder?” then get the f–k right outta town. Of course, if you’re simply stating that Centerfield by John Fogerty is kinda lame, that we can understand.
Heath Ledger’s Joker performance in “The Dark Knight”
Just admit it was good! No one is going to think more of you for saying, “Eh, just alright. meh…” In fact, people will find you less interesting for not thinking it was the greatest take on The Joker you’d ever seen on the big screen. OK, you don’t have to take your praise that far, but somewhere in the middle. Then we got no beef with you.
Oh, so you’re not a fan of fun? Cool. You must be a riot at parties. Oh, right, you don’t know what parties are because you never get invited to them. You know, because YOU DON’T LIKE SWIMMING POOLS and all. For real, somebody push this guy in so we can dunk him until he admits pools are great.
The fact that not even an animated GIF can do them justice is a testament to how awesome fireworks are. And how much we detest you if you aren’t impressed by their majesty. They’re essentially a Michael Bay movie minus all the bad stuff. And if you think using Michael Bay as an argument for why something is good is a major flaw in the system, screw you! We don’t freakin’ care! We might even do it again later just to piss you off.
Honestly, haters of this show probably don’t exist, but there are those out there who still haven’t just sat down and watched it yet even though literally everyone they’ve ever met has told them it’s a masterpiece. What the hell are you waiting for, idiots!?
You make me sick. And no, I’m not talking about pizza itself. Sure, it’s made most of us violently ill at one point or another from eating too much of it, and it steadily increases your blood pressure the older you get, but we keep going back because it’s just that goddamn delicious. And if you don’t feel that way, well, then you’re probably not going to agree with our next thing, either. That’s two strikes against you, a-hole!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
To be fair, maybe you aren’t the worst person in the world if you don’t like the Ninja Turtles. After all, that means you had a terrible childhood or are super old. We wouldn’t want to rip on anyone for that. But if you’re between the ages of just born and 50 still living in your mom’s basement, then you dig the TMNT. It’s just what you do. Heck, if Michael Bay can’t even ruin them, that’s gotta say something, right?
He’s done it all from “Wet Hot American Summer” to “Ant-Man” and then back to “Wet Hot American Summer,” making us laugh all along the way. Plus, we can’t say we’ve heard a single bad thing about the guy. While we’re not suggesting he hasn’t starred in a few stinkers along the way that you are absolutely allowed to revile (“I Love You, Man” is the worst piece of bromance garbage ever put on film), he makes up for all that with this recurring gag on “Conan” alone.
Biscuits and Gravy
Just look at that heaping pile of gravy goodness. We’ve never actually heard anyone say they don’t like B & G, but those would be fighting words, indeed. They do vary from restaurant to restaurant, but like Paul Rudd and his track record with quality movies, “60 percent of the time, it works every time.”
Obvious joke aside, this was such a bland, inoffensive show, how the hell could you go as far as to hate it? If you’re just trying to sound clever, hate to break it to you, but “The Simpsons” already did that joke to perfection years ago.