20 People Explain Their First World Problems
Peanut Butter Ice Cream Woes
I’m 57. Let’s see, we bought some chocolate/peanut butter ice cream the other day that I thought was going to be good, but it sucked. Now, for the first time in my life, I may have to throw ice cream in the garbage. Beyond that, I can’t think of any problems in my life.
The best noodle bar in town is 20 minutes away and does not deliver. An inferior noodle bar is 10 minutes away and they do deliver.
I masturbate with Olay body lotion and now my penis looks half my age.
My knees hurt when I sit at my desk all day, earning what would be a fortune in many other countries with virtually no chance of being killed today. Also, sometimes my eyes get tired from looking at all the different screens that are built to entertain me.
63, and my biggest problem is not getting enough sex. But that’s been my problem since I was 16.
Well, That Escalated Quickly
I should be sleeping right now, so I will be tired tomorrow. Since I will be tired tomorrow, I won’t do well at hockey. When I do bad at hockey, my coach won’t play me. When my coach won’t play me, I won’t get a scholarship. If I don’t get a scholarship, I won’t get an education. If I don’t get an education, I won’t get a job. If I don’t get a job, I will be homeless. If I am homeless, I will end up sucking dick for money. After I suck dick for money, I will get arrested for prostitution. After I get arrested, I will go to jail. When I am in jail, I will get stabbed. After I get stabbed, I will die.
I love eating Oreos for breakfast, but I end up eating too many and giving myself a stomach ache. Sometimes the pain is too much and I end up calling in sick to work, which forces me to use PTO. Now I’m stuck at home while getting paid $18 an hour and unable to find something to watch on several hundred cable channels.
When I take a dump, the poop is really hard. I started eating more fiber, now my poop is soft but I fart more during the day. Should I sacrifice the soft poops to stop fart? I DON’T KNOW REDDIT HELP ME!
My house stays so cool that the stone tile in my bathrooms are so cold when I get out of the shower, I had to buy rugs for it. Now I can’t see the pretty tile.
I’m running out of room in the corner of my granite kitchen countertop to store new liquor bottles. I need to build a minibar in the corner of my kitchen because of it.
My big $2,000 couch is too soft and poofy to rest your drinks on. The carpet is too soft to rest drinks on without them falling over. I have to hold my drinks when sitting on my couch.
Since I broke my wrist I can’t masturbate, so my girlfriend gives me hand jobs every other day, but without lotion.
My penis is too small and my wife’s pussy is too big. It’s like putting a hot dog into a big pussy. A smaller hot dog though.
Not being able to have your favored brand of bottled water.
My toaster, sometimes, will stop halfway through toasting. It hits me like a question of ethics while I wrestle with the idea of putting half-toasted bread-toast in a toaster. What do you expect? Am I going to try and spread butter on a food item that lacks the tensile strength to handle the force of a butter knife? It’s like putting popcorn back in the microwave. It simply doesn’t feel right.
I hate when you finish a cup of yogurt or pudding or something like that and you don’t want to get up to put the spoon in the sink. So you just leave it sitting in the cup but the spoon is too tall for the cup and it falls over.
Sometimes I have to interact with actual humans at the college I attend on a scholarship paid by my state so I can charge my smartphone because I’ve left my charger in my heated, well-insulated, safe home in a decent neighborhood. It’s awful.
I have three bottles of champagne in my fridge. I don’t like champagne. I’ll be moving soon and taking them with me will be a hassle. Three bottles of champagne…is a hassle.
I’m 50, and my butthole smells like clams.
Jelly About Jamaica
The other night I was at a wedding reception sitting with a table of guests I didn’t know very well. One woman was asking another about her marriage, and the topic of honeymoons came up. Where did you guys go?” “Jamaica. It was nice, but we stayed too long. We stayed for ten whole days. It was brutal. There are only so many things to do down there! We got bored after the first few days.”
Meanwhile I had to deplete my savings and go light on groceries in order to make it to this wedding. I wanted to reach across the table and smack her, or at the very least throw something at her. But I didn’t. I helped myself to another slice of free cake.”
“Unexpected item in the bagging area. Please wait for assistance.” Pisses me off just typing this.
Sometimes I’m eating while watching TV and I can’t hear the TV over the crunching.
I’ve got twins, bills, blue balls, I’m getting fat, I’m tired, my wife’s a beast, I’m underwater in my house, my dog died, my truck broke down, my boss is stupid and has an ugly mustache.