What Social Media App Is Right For You?

Social media. Is there anything it can’t do? You can now share every detail of your life with the world all from your phone, from deep thoughts to pics to dick pics. As a public service, we put together a handy guide that will help you decide on exactly which social media app you should spend all of your time on instead of interacting with friends or loved ones in person.

A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Instagram is for you if… You’re attractive enough to have over a million followers so that you can get a sponsorship deal with a protein bar company that is so all-inclusive that eventually everything from your workout photos to your engagement photos will have that protein bar in them. (And/or you’re a Kardashian sister.)

Twitter is for you if… You desperately need all of the most important information about your favorite celebrities like what they’re eating for breakfast or when they’re going to the gym or the latest merchandise to buy from them that you definitely can’t afford.

Facebook is for you if… You’re 80 years old.

Snapchat is for you if… You’re a super perv and a dickhead who has screenshotted every nude you’ve ever been sent for when you break up with that girl and then post all of her personal photos on the internet for everyone to see, you sick son of a bitch.

Tumblr is for you if… You’re a 13-year-old girl who only expresses her strong opinions on everything from feminism to #BlackLivesMatter to Donald Trump via Beyonce GIF sets.

Pinterest is for you if… You are looking for either the perfect twice-baked potatoes recipe or the most versatile new capri pants of the summer.

YouTube is for you if… You’ve been a paying member of an improv troupe for the last eight years of your life but you’re still waiting for your big break.

Reddit is for you if… You take all of your “original” content from Tumblr, post it to Imgur and then get mad at other people for taking that content from Imgur and posting it on their own social pages.

LinkedIn is for you if… You’ve been out of work for three months and your landlord’s drop-bys about the rent are becoming increasingly more tense.

Vine is for you if… you are a teenager with the attention span of a lab rat addicted to cocaine who can’t comprehend that every Vine is just a corporate advertisement even though your top 10 most viewed Vines of all-time all include #ad in the caption.

Google+ is for you if… you died suddenly and no one in your family remembered to deactivate your account.